It’s not always the mom part about being a mom that’s hard… finding myself again after baby

I don’t know about you but when I think about what’s hard about being a mom, it’s often time something outside of actually being a mom. Being a mom is messy and challenging, but I LOVE it. It’s all the unexpected feelings of loss that caught me off guard when I became a mom that were most challenging, especially around my own identity.

In the early days as a new mom, I would catch myself missing the woman I was before baby (uuughh insert mom guilt!) I felt like a “bad mom” for feeling sad that I missed doing some of the things I did before baby. I missed being able to be spontaneous, learn new things, explore new places, or get dressed up and feel attractive. Although we had family and friends around, many of them were busy and I felt like I was failing if I asked for help, evern when they offered it. For a while this kept me from doing so much of what I loved, so much of what made me… well, me.

It wasn’t until one day while looking in the mirror, in the thick of my postpartum depression, I realized I didn’t recognize myself. I was there, but I felt hollow. I looked sad. I didn’t deserve this and neither did my daughter or husband. We deserved better. I decided to fight back against the trap my mind had made for me and make space for myself because I deserved it, my daughter deserved to meet the real me, and my relationship with my husband deserved it.

At first, I got excited for this new motivation. I started making a plan and setting action steps. I then looked at my plan and instantly felt overwhelmed. My plan was not taking into consideration all the changes that had occurred in my life since becoming a mom. Little time, no energy, and complete overwhelm. On paper, it sounded good, but it was completely unrealistic.

I decided to do something different… take one small step at a time. I knew logically that I was capable of more than my mind was telling me at the time, but I also knew that I couldn’t do what I had done before baby. I couldn’t just plow through my emotions and needs just to “get it done.” I wanted to make changes in my life that would be sustainable and something I would want my daughter to eventually learn to do in a healthy way too. I would have to do what I had taught others so many times before, really listen to my body. I would need to listen to my feelings and needs again for the first time in a long time, or maybe ever. I was so used to doing what I was "supposed to do" or what I "should do" to get the approval, love, or sense of accomplishment/achievement I was seeking. This was SO hard, scary, and even a little intimidating to think what the heck I even wanted or needed in the first place except just to “feel better” but I knew I couldn’t keep living the way I was living. So… I looked at the list I had made of the problems I could see at the time and the action steps I had listed to break down each problem and just started... one small step at a time.

For each problem, I sat with what change I wanted to see, not what I wanted others to see on the outside. I thought about what I wanted to feel like and what change would need to take place in order for that to be possible. I then thought about who I needed to ask for help, what skill I needed to work on, what adjustments our family needed to make, or what resources I needed to accomplish this. Some problems were much easier to make changes to, while for others I had to adjust the plan several times to make it sustainable and something that actually worked for my husband and me. 

It took me a while to realize that although things may not look exactly like they did or happen as often as I was able to do them before becoming a mom, they could still exist if I was willing to be flexible on what they would look like now. This may sound simple, and it is, but it was not easy to implement. My brain logically got this but my perfectionism wanted it to be the same as before, or not have it at all. It sounds so silly typing this, but it was true. But I kept pushing, I reminded myself of why I was doing this. I wanted to feel like myself again, show up as myself in motherhood instead of the hallow version I had become, and I wanted to share this with my husband in our relationship.

Each time I successfully incorporated a change into our routine I moved on to the next thing on my list. Sometimes the change I had just made unintentionally solved another problem on my list. For example, finding time to exercise also improved my sleep and mood. Sometimes the changes I was working on looked like adding something, sometimes it looked like taking something out of my schedule or asking for help more from my partner, friends, family, or hiring support when we were able to. It constantly changed as my own needs, and the needs of my family changed. Now, instead of completely dismissing my own needs and interests I included them into the conversation as we problem-solved as a team how to meet a new or emerging need or change in our family. My husband and I have worked really hard to support each other in doing this for both of us because we are way better people, parents, and partners when we feel like ourselves and our needs as individuals are being met.

If you’re reading this and thinking “I don’t know where the heck to start,” think about creating a list of everything you are wanting or needing in your life. And just pick one thing to start with and build from there. It’s simple, but it’s not easy. It’s important that we have compassion for ourselves and acknowledge both sides of this. I can really want something AND acknowledge the change is hard to make (but worth it!). If you're looking for support working through this, our therapy and supportive coaching services may be a great fit for you. Or consider our course, The Roadmap to Parenthood, where we help you create your individualized plan to help take you from feeling overwhelmed to finally being able to feel like yourself again and enjoy life after baby. Wherever you're at on your journey mama, we're glad your here and part of our community. You got this 💛

Sending Love,

Sasha McPherson, LMFT and mama of two